Sunday, May 31, 2009

If this is a test im loosing my self...

I'ts all so confusing...

i feel good, excited, dreamy, happy
when i see him, when he sees me
just even thinking of him its enough
and when i bump into him my day is made...
but then comes the frustation:
when i think he may know what's in my head
and even tough he cant be sure
under the most little sign of suspection that he suspects
i feel as if someone passed over me with an x ray machine...
i feel naked, embarrased, exposed
how can he know it? who does he think he is?
what if he's laughing at me cause of this?
and what if he doesnt think of that and im the one thinking to much about it?
ARGGGG!! this even started as a joke... a joke i ended believing...
shit. shit. SHIT. This reminds me of high school

Monday, May 18, 2009

Life after you

Releived. Is just the closest word to describe the way im feeling. Is not that i dont care, but i actually didnt care that much. As the season came and now it's gone, I wont miss this cause we know that another one will come.

I actually cant understand why i tend to be so critical with boys when i start getting all confused, and i realise once again i never got to feel real love. Love love love, everyones wants to be inlove. To be loved. And even though i knew things didnt going to go far this time, i never tought it could be this easy to realised summer lasted longer than we did. This summer was longer than normal, (i blame the global warming) but still... global warmning didnt interfere between us... but my troubled thoughts did. I think in someway it was one of the main reasons why i decided to play another time. Critical situation. Nice moment. Find a way to get attached to to that nice and forget the critical.

i hope someday i can say i know love, i have felt it and i have loved and be loved by someone else. Until then i'll have a one more nice picture of a nice experience.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

An empty chair around the table

i would love to find the exact words, a phrase that could make it up to you, to say what you wanna hear, what you need to hear. And over all, say anything i may say without sounding ridiculous or cliche. I dont wanna say what everyones tells you. I know i cant really even wonder how are you feeling, and i'm pretty sure i couldnt be on your shoes, i just couldnt be able to stand the pain. That pain i can see in your eyes. That pain you arent letting out, but you can calm down or disimulate.

im so sorry, its all i can say. And i know im not the only one who have told you that, so does it really help? to have a buch of pple arount telling you how sorry they feel? i know you feel the support, but nothing will change the fact that he's gone, so thats another reason why im sorry. Im sorry i cant really comfort you, im sorry i cant bring him back to you, that my words wont change the reality and that no one's will.

it would take me years to get over something like this. Streght, faith, optimistism, security, you luckily got all those things and your family couldnt be more blessed to have you now and there, cause you will be a big support for all of them. He'll be there looking after you, taking care of you, giving you advice in someway of another. Pray, God will make him listen. You cant really see it but while your mom is crying hes next to her hugging her, while your brothers cant understand and accept it he's there conforting them, and while you are here trying to offset that pain, that fear to what comes next he's and he'll be always there supporting you.

The room is filled of pain and so is your heart. Your eyes barely can contain the tears, as your head barely cant stop the confused thoughts. No one can really understand. I can be sorry, but cant really find a way to make you stop feeling sad, desesperate and angry at life. Im sorry.

-To a best friend

Monday, May 11, 2009

Down an Out

Best friends forever is what most of friends tell each other when they get to be really close, but it isnt really true, it isnt really forever... its a fallace, of just some cases we generalize and say its that way always. LIE.

Crazy how things can happen in one year, in all the sense of its meaning.

DISSAPOINTMENT. Maybe its not the correct word but its the 1rst one that comes to my mind. I notice this a while ago and everyone told me i was going crazy, i wish i would have cause this weekend i figure out i wasnt. Im sorry it all went this way, but well we both prefer to have our own ways and it will be that way.

...Its serios and im afraid it is... Yesterday we used to share dreams, sing along to the same songs and now we are as close as U.S is to Australia. I saw it coming but i didnt wanna stop it, things are better this way.

I'll miss you, i'll really miss you. Thanks for the memories.

"Now that I'm grown I've seen friendships fall to pieces.Weekend warriors and our best friends." The Academy is...

Just hope its not true with all friendships

Sunday, May 10, 2009

Dont wake me up im still dreaming...

The crowd was screaming, fans definetely going crazy. I was standing there in the middle just smiling waiting for the right moment to start singing, the musical prologue ended and my turn arrived i sang with all the strenght and enthusiasm of all my teenage ilusions, banging my head, jumping, while the crowd was enjoying it as much as i was...

The gig ended and after thanking my awesome fans and saying bye i got backstage almost running and found him there waiting for me sitting on a huge white couch, smiling to me almost laughing at my excitment about the familiar situation to him. Of course! he was so used to this and i wasnt!!!
He stood up and i hugged him and gave him a short kiss.

"Maddie you were awesome!" he told me
"Thanks!" i answered

I turned to congrat my band mates.

"Bryan you totally rocked with that guitar solo"
"It's not even the half of what i can do" he said in response
"That's what she said" said Jack funny as always
"You might have meant, that's what HE said" said Seth giggling
"Not funny..."Jack answered kinda mad
"Okay Okay, guys Peter told me he'll be waiting in his pub so lets go?" my beloved famous boyfriend asked.

I was just about to answer with a total and definite YES, when... i woke the fuck up...

Saturday, May 9, 2009

I used to waste my time dreaming of being alive, now i only waste it dreaming of YOU!

*sigh* i was just walking to the bus stop when i saw a boy kissing a girl... its not something unsual but unusually i stayed staring at then. they werent pple i knew, but still i stared. I realized then that i was missing to be kissed, to get a brand new ilusion.

Weird. since i do have a boyfriend. i guess like in matrymony pple get bored... is that is why pple is unfaithful? im young so we can maybe justify the way i felt with that, but old pple? inmaturity lack of age limits huh?

So i got in the bus listening to Muse's "Plug in Baby" thinkative, confused... im used to my relantionship, to have him there when i need someone to pick me up from somewhere, when i just wanna talk... it could all turn weird if i break up with him, plus maybe i do know im not inlove, but anyways i just picture love to perfect that nothing will ever satisfy my expectatives. Sad, sad situation... since maybe i will life the rest of my life picturing love unreachable by anything of the real world.

I life in my cloud i know and accept that, and hurts like fuck when i fall down to earth once in a while, for real life circunstances. So maybe when time passes by and i never get my happily ever after i will be absolutely dissapointed... But you know? i rather keep dreaming awake than think whatever is enough, that any mediocre reality is enough.

I can live of dreams, live dreaming, live to dream, but never ever live without dreams.

Friday, May 8, 2009

Walking disaster

i always wanted magic shoes, shinny, cute, weird, magical shoes.

...i've wanted to stop walking in life sometimes but cause im scared of the world, the dirty, pollutioned, mean, real world: so if i have to go out and walk over there anyways, i rather do it with my always wished magic shoes....

i just hope this could be truth and our child believes could help us to never let ourselfs down, to never let the witches (bitches) defeat us and to always stand up after falling...

i wish i could go rescue a friend that fell in the main witch claws... i wish he needed to be rescued.. cause im not even sure if he actually made a mistake joining her army or if its what he really wanted... i just dont like that SISterhood of witches... they remind me of high school (and not exactly the part of high school i liked)

You may have got my point... hope u did, if u did well u are in the right blog :]

All that i want

university is consuming me... when it should be just consuming my time... its just that i get too nervous for tests and anxious during the time before them, that i end up messing it up and then i get all dissapointed about myself. its hard for me to focus... so its hard to start studying but anyways i try my best to do it, but still it isnt enough...

i feel like running away from this but its actually the only way to get to the place i want in life so... there's no way out unless i win the lotery or enter to a talent show which i doubt i will be able to win... so i just want this episode to pass (til it comes back the next semester) and be able to hang out with my friends have fun, be random, be young...

There's a reason why this blog was created i just havent thought of it yet...

There's a reason for almost everything, there's a reason why i created this blog, why im writing and well if you are reading this there's also a reason for that, that only you know.

i'll be writing in here about whatever comes to my mind, cause i just love to write and there are and might be more things in the future that i wanna or would need to get out of my chest.

feel free to post anything or comment, i would like that.
and yes the title of this post is related with a song (which i actually like a lot) tittle


"The only thing worst than not knowing is you thinking that I don't know"