Third

"... and the worst part before it gets any better we are ready for the cliff"
















As with everything in my life,
I dont know if this feeling is equaly shared.
I know it shouldnt matter to me,
Yeah its actually meaninless
but still HURTS.

I feel kind of a right,
to demand more relevance.
I know you are all grown up,
that you have your own life
but still hurts to be third.

I dont know if you have notice
how much it hurts to be here
I really doubt that you have been in my place.
Because you have always had me,
i always wanna talk to you when i'm losing my strenght

So it is hard to keep believing
My live is shiny bright
cause it hurts to be third
cause it hurts to be third

"and in the mean time we realize Im better off when i hit the bottom" PRMR

Just thinking...

I am defitely looking for something

Something that may not be looking to be found by me.

I am even starting to think that maybe

its better to get a broken heart

than not getting nothing

It's not that i cant live without love

i mean i cant, i need my family, my friends

but i can live without the couple love

Something i cant live without is the ilusion and the happiness that that kind of love when its emerging gives in your life

i have been wrong so many times

i have got over ilusioned

i have gone so fast

a n d t h e n s o s l o w

i once thought i met the right guy

but then i realized i thought he was the right one for the wrong reasons

i may be tired

but somehow i dont wanna be out of the game

i wanna keep trying

even if it hurts to death

Maybe feeling heart pain is a way to feel alive

to feel stronger when you heal

and to learn to somehow never give up.

I've never been better being this bad

Bruised all over my wings

I cant even move
About to break
About to yell
About to give up

I look back
There's just your shadow
That picture
The sound of your steps
leaving.

I try to stand up
But i fall again
Still i stay there
I wait
I look away

I close my eyes
I turn my wishes to yell
Into wishes of singing
The most beautiful song ever

And suddenly i notice
Im not on the floor anymore
Im not broken
Even if it looks like
Even if you dont care
I shine brighter than ever

I've never been better being this bad
Feels right to fall
Even if you dont have someone to caught you
Even if it hurts

Even if it hurts
I never gave up
Even if my wings arent completly well again
I am already ready to fly
Even if i could have make it better
I dont regret anything

That picture is still there
There's also only the remember of your shadow
But my world inst going to break down
I'll keep waiting
I'll keep dreaming

You did enough
But i'll do more
Nothing will ever defeat my hope
My streght.
To reach where i want
To shine.

...

En silencio

A veces parece como si todo fuera de papel

Un espejismo con el que pretendo enganarme a mi misma

Algunas de esas veces me gustaria ser quien creo la ilusion

o mejor dicho quien oculto la cruda verdad

Para que no duela tanto

Para que no se vea tan tragico

Para que las personas no tengan de que hablar

O para torturarme un poco mas

Otras de esas veces quiero que sea de verdad

Todo depende de como este el clima.

No puedo tapar el sol con un dedo

y es por eso que a veces me quema tanto

Que el llanto es incontenible

Y no queda de otra que huir a buscar una sombra

El problema es que a veces me pierdo en ellas

Me pierdo buscando una salida

Oscuridad, luz, realidad o apariencia

Ya ni se que cosa es mejor

Solo quiero un minuto de silencio

Para gritarlo todo

Salir corriendo

Y volver en pedazos

Recogerlos y volverlos a ensamblar

A ver si encajan mejor que la vez anterior

A ver si les encuentro un espacio en donde encajen

A veces es solo como si uno estuviera solo

Completamente

A pesar de estar rodeado de gente

A veces esto duele

A veces eso quiero

A veces lo detesto

A veces es lo que necesito

Un minuto de silencio

Para gritarlo todo, para que me escuches, para que me entiendas.

...

The fight

It's a big fight. In wich sometimes i feel like i'm loosing and sometimes it's just like if i rule the world. There is no world to name it, it a mix of fear anxiety and desesperation. Feels as if you arent going to be able to take it, to survive. It hits you, tries to murder you and it beggings with your smile then your faith and finally your heart. It doesnt even gives you a break when inffects you completly, you only have to shake it off when its just attacking, its the only chance you've got to dont be defeated. It's so incredibly tormented. Its a pain nobody deserves to ever experiment, even if its the worst person of the world.

But there's always a good side, isnt it? Even if it seems to dont be a bright side here, there is. And it is that every single minute that nightmare makes you suffer, makes you realize how much happiness means, how great, awesome and wonderful it is. When it ends it may ends with me in some cases, but in others it makes me wake up, realise all i could do if i just decide to and enjoy a lot of what i've got and i didnt realised i had. Feel the sunlight on my face, feel the brezze running through my skin little amazing things that happen being given no importance, but that give us the feeling of being alive.

I dont regret of anything. I dont complain of snow, rain or thunders. Those make me feel alive too and if we see right through them we may see some beauty in them. They make me feel vulnerable, uninvencible, human. I would love to go back in time, but i would live my life just the way i did, the only change would be that i would enjoy twice every single minute. The minutes of pain, laugh,happyness, randomess or whatever. It's all just ... a fight of feelings, where the one who wins is who doesnt give up and enjoys to learn of loosing, falling and scratching as much as of winning and achieving. May sound crazy but who says crazy is a mean way to describe something

... haha.

I wanna live a life from a new perspective

Maybe something already used and seen.
But in some other ways different. In some other different way.
Dont know why.
Dont know how.
Just sometimes dont know.
Then i dont know if im right.
Maybe thats my punishment.
Or not.
I just take the images and leave the thinking.
Somewhere else.
Just take the words and discard the logic of them.
Thoughts in my mind.
Mind in the clouds.
Clouds in my soul.
Living.
Dreaming.
Doesnt matter
I just wanna do it my way.
Get my own things.
That arent literally things.
I know i might never win.
But i dont really care about that.
<3

Yesterday

This is one of those times in my life when I kinda get what all this is about. It's not about reaching some place is about enjoying all the way down there. I always tend to label everything and now i understand we arent suppouse to do that. We dont really need to put a name to things or think of a definition to everything. I found out how lucky i am to be where i am for 243295829 time in my life but now it was different, i actually got to feel AWESOMELY lucky like i never did before it was a different feeling, a feeling i dont need to label, a feeling its just that, an awesome feeling. I guess when you get close to the end of something even when that end doesnt belong to you it really touches you and well, after all when it ends its gonna end the lace you had with her, when it ends, it gonna leave an empty space you never saw before, when it ends there wont be a way back. I wonder this was what brought that feeling up in me, thinking i was so far of someone today i felt so close.

I dont know who ever figure out for 1rst time that we never really appreciate what we have until we lose it, buy i am sure he didnt have a nice experience figuring it out. At least we already know it and people around us always remember us that, but we never believe it until it happens or until its close really close to us. I never tought her words would mean this much to me, i never tought her smile would make me so happy, and over all i never ever thought that thinking of letting her go, seeing her light turn off little by little would hit me this hard. I guess i'ts not too late, but it is kinda late. We always think we have all the time of the world but the truth is that every second that passes we are loosing it, time is running out of our hands and sometimes we just let it get lost and don’t make every second of our lifes worth it. Life isnt a game to win, isnt a race, isnt a contest, less a lottery. Its like an adventure where you have to collect memories and whoever who keeps the most, amazing and funny ones is who had the better life. I mean amazing as the excitment of the voice the person uses to tell the story, The enthusiasm she puts on each one makes them delightful, its worth it to listen to her, to get attached to her story and travel some years ago to a different époque, when all was different but not less and even in something more exciting.

Even in ancient times they used to consider old people the ones with more wisdom for their experience. And hell yeah its true. They get to give the best advices, warnings or whatever you wanna call it and even if you aren’t the favorite granddaughter a word of approval or congrats from her worth it all, and a whole night up listening to a bunch of their stories in the dark are invaluable. I just wanna be like them whem i get to be old, thing i hope. I wanna be full of stories to tell. Full of advices to give. Full of love to share and smiles to make. Thank you for giving me a family and contributing in one way or another to my raising, I love you all so much. I am gonna miss you some day, I already miss one of you even when I didn’t got too much time to know him, but i will always remember you all, remember how awesome you guys are, and if it doesn’t happen im gonna make sure your grandgrandchilds wanna have met you. Without you guys i wont even be over here writing this. Thanks for all and more.

Love, S.S.S

- To my abues